unmoving dreams of black, white and a tinge of grey

I think when I was young, I didn't really care who I was. And I think I was a real bitchy brat too. I can remember having a bitch fit for most of my younger memories. Jeez, I kind of hate myself for that. But I think(yes, think) I have changed for the better(right?!).
So when I was form 1 and 2, I was some seriously playful shit person. I didn't even have an ounce of maturity in me. Then when I was form 3, i met a few great friends(which we still are, well, some of them) and they seriously affected me alot. Maybe its the "ren sheng dao li" 's or something and the ability to see MORE than just the outer core of people.
Yeah, as shallow as it may sound, i used to judge people through looks. Don't judge me, i seriously believe i've changed for the better(better, not perfect). I dunno when but I started to realise that i'm not exactly the image of beautiful itself, i'm not perfect and i'm not the smartest. Deep down inside, i'm the worst amongst the worst(yes, i do realise). I think once i realised that, i changed for the better.
I think I started maturing(mentally, fools, don't think bengkok) since form 3. But despite that, i'm still such a kid when it comes to taking the relationship to another step. I'd probably deny this when people ask me about it but yes, i do have crushes on guys but I end up hating them. Probably coz the guys i have crushes on are just plain jerks. I don't know why I have the tendency to fall for jerks. Maybe its some weird force of nature that affects me. I mean, I see other people and they fall for such nice, smart(not to mention good looking guys) and I totally can see why friends would fall for them but i can't see myself falling for someone similar. This kinda sucks since this totally affects my future relationships.
You know your future is ruined when you fall for a jerk and just won't let go(be afraid of lonlieness, etc etc).I'd probably fall for a jerk, get my money swindled, get knocked up, marry the dude for life, get raped, get more children, grow fat, be cheated on, get dumped with 10 or so children in a small apartment with flies. Yes, I have a feeling my future would be this way if I ever get married. I'm totally OPPOSED to getting married. Thats why i'm flirting my ass off(damn, please let my butt be intact), and i won't get into a relationship no matter what. I don't like the feeling of being tied down to one person, I don't like the sense of belonging. I like to OWNNNNN*lol, dominatrix*!!!!
There's this thing that people believe in, this ideology that everyone has his/her soulmate. So, i ask, if that is so, why are there people who die single in this world? Is this because they had let THE ONE pass them by? Then, that wouldn't really be your soulmate now would it?
I guess maybe its what some people say for reassurance that their not going to lonely forever, or maybe its just me losing the will to dream colours already.
Eitherway, just forget what I wrote here. Its seriously straying far away from the main topic. Lol.

xoxo,
candleandwhipequalsdominatrix